My late papa left me in the year 2014. I spent lots of time during his cure in the hospital, at that time I also had been finishing my doctorate in another city. I repeatedly went back and forth between Padang and Bogor. I had been trying my best to console his sickness, but life finally separated us in its way.

Papa was very proud of me. He often introduced me to his friend by saying, “She is my copy.”

He meant that I inherited most of his good character, which made him feel blessed. His way of speaking about me is always in my mind, guiding me to be the person he dreamed.

I was his first kid. He had five more kids after me. A lot of literature has been written about the bond between a parent with their first kid. I can say that the bond between me and my father was not just a crybaby relationship. It was a full-responsibility bond.

From my side, that bond reminds me of my birth role as the patron for my siblings. For my papa, that was a hint about his old age. He had to prepare himself to welcome death and made sure I was ready to lead our family as his replacement.

We were not always in a nice relationship. I once refused not to speak to him for months. He cried in front of me to ask forgiveness. I kept silent, was so headstrong. At that time, I was a silly teenager. His little mistake exploded me easily. Every time I recall it, I feel ashamed.

I am contemplating the dynamic of our relationship as a process of myself being a wiser mom for my kids. I learned from the mistake my Papa made in raising us. He was too permissive and easily exploited by his kids.

Luckily, he had me who accepted his generosity with full responsibility. I hope Papa will rest in peace. Allah forgives him.